Why do we want what we can’t have.. and then no longer want it when we can have it?
Tired of the cat and mouse chase game yet?
You want him, he doesn’t want you.
He wants you, you don’t want him.
This game can be fun for a little while, I mean it especially feeds the ego when the tables turn, but is this what you truly desire? Ego stroking?
Or are you looking for something deeper? Something more meaningful? Something that feels good to both of you? Something that touches your soul.
I assume if you’re reading this then you’re just about fed up with the merry-go-round that is catch and release dating.
The good news is, you can get off the ride at any time, you just have to decide.
Knowing why you do this can help too, that’s why you’re here, right?
I could let you read on before giving you the answer to the above question.
But I am going to give it up right away.
The reason you want what you can’t have, and then don’t want it when you can have it is, VALUE.
It’s the same reason that big businesses do “seasonal” products, limited time offers and limited edition products.
You see something you think you cant have and it suddenly has some added value to it.
I used to be marketing companies best example of how this works.
“Oh, it’s limited time? I have to have it. Oh it’s pink and there’s limited quantities? I must buy it now! Oh, only a few other people will also have this, which means I’ll have a rare, special, item therefore making me Rare and special? SOLD!”
See what happens?
Suddenly the thing becomes about who we are instead of remaining what it is and you want it because you think it’s going to mean something about you if you have it. Maybe you will feel special ,like you got something no one else can have. Maybe you feel validated by your efforts finally paying off. Maybe you feel validated by someone else’s significant other choosing you over them.
This also speak to the rewards centres in our brains that get ticked off when we try hard for something and finally get it, or get a taste of it and we feel that rush of dopamine and we get hooked on reaching for more. No matter how it feels in the in between, there is a striving for that rush at the end, that victory feeling.
This causes people to naturally keep reaching for someonthing that is unreachable or seems unreachable, or is not healthy or serving their highest good.
There are times when this is beneficial, when training for competitions, when growing a business.
It becomes dangerous when you make another person your challenge.
When you want someone else who is not available or is not interested in you.
This also becomes more clear when you finally get what you want and suddenly you don’t want it as much anymore. Because you got your reward, you’re satisfied, for now and you realize the value you placed on the person isn’t as great as you thought it was.
Humans have a way of idealizing people, placing them on a pedestal forgetting that they are only human too, and finding themselves very disappointed when they don’t turn out how they expected.
The person, while of course still of value, no longer feels as unattainable to you therefore, their value decreases in your eyes.
This is because you weren’t really going for who they are, and were more interested in who you believed they would make you become or make you feel.
You have to ask yourself when you are pushing hard to have someone that isn’t available to you whether or not it is the person, their values, their benefits, their entire body, mind and soul that you actually want, or is it just the payoff from getting what you thought you couldn’t have?
No one is going to make you the person you long to become, only you can do that. So if you find yourself constantly wanting what you can’t have, ask yourself what the reward is here? “What is the value of always feeling not good enough so I find something that I think I can’t have and try to make it mine so I can feel good enough?”
If this is a perpetual cycle for you and you’re tired of the games and you’ve had enough of attracting unavailable partners, clinging to those who don’t want you and sabotaging a good thing when it comes along, then you are a great candidate for my Love Recovery 1:1 Program. Send me an email if you are interested in learning more <3
And remember, you are enough! You never need anyone to validate that for you. XO