Today someone asked me if I liked being single again..
My answer, as my eyes filled with tears, was “no.”
Truthfully, I have felt single for a long time, even when I wasn’t completely single. Because the commitment piece was always missing. Sometimes I wonder if that’s just semantics, unnecessary labels on a connection that is clearly already physically and spiritually defined. But still, without the knowing that both partners are working on a long term commitment, connection, life plan, or knowing full well there isn’t one there is an element of wonder and uncertainty that just lends to feeling more solo than connected.
I’ve yet to write about my most recent romance, it may take more time than I thought to be able to put it into words. It was truly so special and so unique that I am not ready to reduce it to words, albeit beautiful, sustaining words, just yet. In time though, I think it will be so valuable to share, for myself and for others.
I can say this for now, it was the most healthy relationship I have been in to date. I have nothing negative to say, even in the wake of it’s perceptually inevitable demise.
If you followed my blog series in December you will know, it’s been a heck of a ride.
What I know, more than ever now is what I truly want and need in a partnership, I know where my standards are and they are higher than I thought. I know that when I stand in my standards, someone who truly values me will rise to meet them, or at least not ever dip below them. I know because I believed it, and then I experienced it.
I know that I no longer “need” someone to fulfill me, that I am self sustainable and having a partner to support, uplift, encourage and adore me is something I can value and appreciate now that I don’t feel I need it.
Neediness is clingy and repelling and although I know I still have a ways to go before I can fully allow myself to be vulnerable in the face of another, I am so much further than I was and so much more available to deeper connections than ever before.
I really went to Florida to work on healing my heart from so much heartbreak. A psychic told me before I left that my heart was carrying so much pain – this has been true for me my whole life.
I certainly came back lighter, happier, more fulfilled and way more healed.
It is always a journey.
We don’t forget our heartbreaks over night.
We don’t forget betrayal that literally sends chills up our spine when piece by piece we find out the person we loved was deceiving us for years.
We don’t just flip from heartbreak and shock to open and available.
It all takes time.
I was way more closed off than I ever thought I was.
Even recently while speaking with someone who I was stressing the importance of communication to it was reflected back to me that my communication abilities are still lacking, because fear.
Because sharing your heart with someone opens up the possibility of being hurt.
But what I know more than ever is not sharing it hurts even more.
For the record, I love my alone time, I love my life and I truly value this time to be solo and grow myself even more. I don’t discount a second of this single life because I trust and know it’s not forever and every connection brings me closer to true love, including with my self.
For the first time when feeling sad about being single it wasn’t because I was sad about being alone because God knows no one I’ve left behind was worth being sad over lol it was because I finally found what I never knew existed and I felt the pain of being without it. Yet, because of that, I am more optimistic than ever that dreams do come true and the universe will definitely deliver what it is you desire and believe in if you’re serious enough.
Never give up ????✨