For most of my life, living felt like a huge struggle to me, a burden really. It felt like at every single corner I turned there was something there, holding me back, stopping me, derailing me.
I largely, very very largely, felt as if the whole world was against me. I felt like this in my home, I felt like this out in traffic, I felt like this in the grocery store. Everywhere I went, everything I did, I simply felt like I could just not win,
Have you ever heard someone mutter that phrase? I just can’t win?
Up until I discovered that my life was very much governed by my own internal decisions, I never noticed how self defeating and discouraging this phrase was. And oh there are SO many others that go with it that perpetuate a cycle that does not ever see or support one actually “winning”. Whatever that means anyways,
BUT for me,
Winning, getting ahead, making it in this life etc…
Simply means that I actually want to be here, that I enjoy being here, that I live a life that feels easy not because there are no challenges or adversity, but because I am well equipped, knowledged, and so centered within my self that no matter what happens in the world around me, I am stable, calm, at peace and most importantly LOVING life and ME.
Recently I was journaling on something in particular being easy for me, and I felt the constriction of doubt knocking on my body. So I inquired within about it and I noticed that somewhere deep inside my psyche there was still a little part of me that held on to the belief that it could not only NOT be easy but that – easy left little room for – doing. Meaning that if things are easy, then what is there to worry over, what is there to prove? What is there to DO? If this thing got to be so easy, then where would the purpose and meaning of life actually be?
And it was so good that this little hidden sabotageur presented itself for me to see, so that I could acknowledge it and then reframe what life NOT being easy means, so that I would not unconsciously go ahead and make the very thing I choose to be easy for me become a challenge or struggle that I consciously DO not want, but somehow still held some kind of value onto.
There is this little thing (thats actually a big thing) that is sometimes called – secondary gain, otherwise known as an unconscious value that we unknowingly – until we choose awareness and inquire within – place on certain things in our life that once served a subjectively important purpose that can hang on and cause all kinds of resistance and sabotage in our lives if we do not choose to become aware of them. These values look like – saying yes when we want to say NO, because at some point that acquiesce was a method of keeping us safe, or not allowing for much money in the bank or much love into our hearts, because at one time it was all taken away and so to avoid ever feeling that pain and loss again our precious unconscious mind does what it does best and repeats old patterns to keep us safe from the things we fear the most.
While fear is necessary in times of actual physical danger, it has very very little place in making choices and decisions about how you NOW choose to live & BE in your life.
So I want to ask you, with this knowledge, is there anything you want now, that you do not have, that an old outdated belief, story, or fear may be anchored in place holding you back from?
Can you find the value or gain from NOT having or doing or BEing the thing even though consciously and SOULFully you WANT it deeply?
When you integrate the many layers of your physical and spiritual existence and work with your innate desires while being aware of self imposed (not necessarily by choice or awareness ) physiological & psychological barriers – you unlock the door to your Souls freedom.
Holding other people accountable, setting boundaries and standards does not negate you from holding yourself accountable first and foremost.
Being empowered is being able to be brutally honest with yourself.
It’s being able to look at your own shit, and be able to acknowledge it and be willing to transform it without judging or criticizing it.
When you are in complete alignment with yourself, you will find more and more that you do not need to cut off, block, or limit anyone else.
If people keep appearing in your life whom you feel you need to detox yourself from then it’s time to look within.
Holding people to a higher standard first means holding yourself that standard.
Stop expecting people to meet you where you haven’t even met yourself.
When you focus on what others are doing or not doing you are shifting responsibility away from yourself.
When you walk your talk you effortlessly attract those who are already in alignment or willing to meet you at your standards, or, you repel those who are not.
It is not enough to set boundaries and standards that tell others what to do and how to behave if they want to be anywhere around you. It’s time for you to take radical responsibility for yourself. To go within and see where you are unconsciously creating what you keep seeing. And when the same kind of people keep showing up it’s a very good indication that there is something going on within you that you have yet to turn your attention to. There is a belief or story that is running in the background that is keeping this active within your vibration and attracting the things you keep saying you don’t want.
If you want better relationships, better people in your life, more peace, love & happiness, then you have to begin by looking at your own inner stuff and remove your attention from what everyone else is doing, or not doing while you focus on recalibrating you.
You are always the common denominator, you are the center of your universe, you attract what is dominant within you. So when you are attracting what you don’t want you have to ask yourself where am I doing this unconsciously? Where am I being the very thing I am trying to get away from?
It is not enough to cast away people who you say aren’t meeting your expectations or standards, when you haven’t even met your own yet.
Focus on you, and when you do, you will no longer need to worry about what others are doing, or not doing. People will show up the way you believe they will, every time.
It is no ones responsibility to show up how you think they should for you, it is your responsibility to show up and be the energetic match for what you want and expect for yourself.
There is a certain grief that comes in the wake of a breakup.
It can often surprise you how lost and heartbroken you feel, especially if things were already heading down hill, or deep down you knew you wanted out.
The thing about grief is, it almost always comes on the heels of any sort of change, whether we chose it or not.
Grief and change are not just experiences we can intellectualize our way out of, there is a deep emotional component connected.
You can logically know something to be true for you, such as:
“I’m better off without them” or
“this is for the best”, or
“we were radically incompatible” or
“better things are coming (with evidence!)”
and still have a ridiculously hard time coming to terms with it,
Because you have yet to deal with the emotional component of the relationships shift.
Intellectually knowing something is for the best for you, and actually accepting and implementing what that means for your reality are not one in the same.
In order for the grief to ease as you move through the trenches of your heartbreak, you have to go beyond intellect.
You must recognize and heal the thoughts, beliefs, attachments and expectations you had for the relationship, the other person involved, and yourself.
When you grieve the end or change of something you are not just grieving the particular reality.
You are grieving what once was, what never will be again, and what never was that you deeply wanted.
Knowing someone is no longer in alignment for you is an important step on coming back home to your self and doing what’s best for you, and ultimately them. But that doesn’t always make it feel good or ok.
You can leave or be left by someone who truly felt awful for you and still deeply ache for what you imagined or wanted it to be.
You may also be grieving for the version of you that you know you must leave behind in order to be and have what your heart truly desires.
Letting go of an old identity can be painful and hard and grief inducing causing waves of emotions you hardly saw coming.
Allow yourself to acknowledge, accept, and grieve the components of the relationship and of yourself that need healing and peace.
Allow yourself to know you want and are worthy of more, while still allowing yourself the grace to grieve the version of you that once wanted different.
Grieving is not a linear, step by step process assigned only to physical death, we grieve change and loss in many forms, the process is accelerated or transformed only by your willingness to move through it, instead of avoiding or bypassing it.
Heart’s are breaking and it’s killing people.
I used to believe that heart’s couldn’t break.
But I’ve changed my mind…
I still believe no one else can break our hearts, a million percent I believe that.
What I believe now though is that people are indeed breaking their own hearts and it’s literally killing them.
I have become aware of more heart attacks in young people lately than I have ever heard of before.
Heart disease is on the rise and according to one study published just last year, “researchers have found a significant increase in the number of patients having heart attacks who have no obvious risk factors such as high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity or smoking.”
We can no longer look at heart disease – or any disease for that matter simply just from a nutritional or fitness perspective.
Its deeper, so much deeper and it needs to come to the surface asap if we are going to change this statistic, or not become one of them.
It’s no secret that our society has become SO increasingly disconnected.
People are making more eye contact with their technology than they are with their peers, scrolling mindlessly through social media, comparing themselves, judging and criticizing themselves and others, feeling not good enough, stalking their ex’s therefore not moving on and staying stuck in the same dead end cycles.
People are building walls around their hearts to keep pain and feelings at bay because no one has taught them how to connect with, feel and work through their emotions so they’ve become so terrified of feeling anything that they literally shut their feelings off not realizing that doing so is actually creating a clog in the pipeline of their life force and vitality.
People are clinging to the past, afraid to move forward, holding onto old feelings and memories of heartbreak and keeping their bodies stuck in the same cycles by way of their unevolving mindset.
We have become a “too busy”, “too tired”, “too focused”, “too driven”, “too sensitive” to the outside world to pay attention to our own inner world – the world that really matters.
Here is what you need to know: what you suppress/ignore will find a way to express itself one way or another and when it does you can almost certainly be prepared for an explosion either internally or externally.
This can work both ways. If there is a constant belief that other people, the world etc can hurt us we allow injury to our hearts this way too.
If you are not paying attention to what your body is telling you, the message will find another way to reach you which sometimes comes from the outside world but is a direct messenger from your internal guidance system.
Everything in this universe is energy and energy is constantly moving and when energy cannot flow it finds other ways to grow. This can show up in people as tumours, cysts, inflammation, hardened or clogged arteries and so on.
The epidemic of our time right now is not cancer and not heart disease – it’s stress and a severe emotional disconnect.
What is not expressed emotionally and energetically will find a way to express itself physically, and believe me, it doesn’t look pretty.
Rejecting any parts of yourself automatically starts to shut you down.
If you reject your emotions which are your body and souls internal guidance system you lack direction, clarity, focus, consciousness, life force.
Turning emotions off, building heart walls, tuning the world out, isolating yourself, disconnecting from human interaction these are the new risk factors for heart and other body diseases.
Our nutrition plays a role, our physical fitness plays a role, but neither of those matter if our energetic and emotional health is not nurtured and well balanced.
It doesn’t matter how many smoothies you drink or how many apples you eat. It does not matter how many steps your fitbit tells you you took each day if you are completely tuned out from the center of your system that literally keeps you alive then your heart is not completely healthy.
How do you nurture and balance your energetic and emotional health?
-You tune in.
-You ask yourself questions.
-You turn off your mobile devices and start to connect to the world around you.
-You take off your shoes sometimes and put your feet on the earth that sustains you
-You talk to someone about your emotional/mental well-being.
-You write about how you feel.
-You talk about how you feel
-You get to know your body beneath your reflection.
-You stop holding things in and find outlets to express yourself.
-You love and accept yourself.
Our world is shifting and although more and more everyday tasks are being handed over to technology aka Robots – we are still spiritual beings on a human journey and a robotic existence does not and will not work for us. It is time to fully wake up, tune in and turn on your own inner technology if you want to truly thrive in your short time here.
I often likened heartbreak to having the flu.
They both have a pretty sudden onset, both can bring you right to your knees hugging a questionable portion of porcelain or marble, curled up with your arms holding your gut, tears that you didn’t invite streaming down your face, expelled from your body in waves of pain you can hardly take. Food either loses all of it’s appeal or you want to eat it all just to make the emptiness go away, but no matter what you eat nothing fills the space and sometimes it comes right back up because your body is too busy trying to keep you alive to worry about digesting whatever it is you thought you needed.
You feel weak, weaker than you ever have and there are moments when thoughts of “am I going to die?” run through your mind as the ache reverberating from inside takes over your entire being and you feel something you’ve never felt before and you wonder if this is how it all ends and a part of you almost wishes that it was just for the sake of relief, you never knew it was possible to feel so incredibly weak.
Exhaustion consumes you and yet when you try to sleep you’re jolted awake with another round of either nausea or heaving sobs that make you wonder if maybe theres another being entirely taking over your body, you lose all control and you barely even recognize who you are anymore.
You look in the mirror and your eyes are empty and sunken in, framed in dark circles telling you and anyone who might look your way that right now, you’re not okay.
Your shoulders hunch forward and your chest is concave, the physical manifestation of trying to keep yourself safe.
You’re not sure you’re going to make it through this heartbreak.
Days pass by and little by little you start to gain your strength again, get out of bed on purpose again, take showers and participate in society again.
But something is different this time.
It’s impossible to go through the most painful experience of your life and not come out different on the other side.
A little more wiser, more aware of your surroundings, more tuned into your senses, more aware of every square inch of your being since you felt it ache down to your very core.
You’re a little more careful about the steps you take next.
Maybe you start with soup, not sure if your body is ready for a whole meal yet.
Maybe you start with a deep clean, removing anything that reminds you of the hell you just crawled back from.
When you emerge from the depths of a crippling heartbreak, you’re a little reluctant to trust anything right away.
Was it love?
Was it true?
Was it healthy?
Was that my last chance?
Will I ever love again?
Life after heartbreak changes you.
When you let it, it changes you for the better.
But things become different.
Dating again brings up old memories and old beliefs and you have to trek slowly so you can make sense of what’s true and what’s just an old story you have to change.
You’re outside of your comfort zone and it makes you want to go back, back to before it got so bad, back to the moments when you thought you had everything you needed, back to a time when you didn’t have to wonder what was real and what wasn’t.
You want arms that betrayed you to come back and save you, you want to crawl into a chest and lean into a heart that had no room left for you, you want to take it all back and change your mind and try again just one more time.
But there is no salvation in the past, in going back to what didn’t last.
So you must keep moving forward.
So acutely aware of yourself and your surroundings.
You tell yourself things like ‘never again’, or ‘not for a long time’ and you inadvertently start to build little walls around your heart and tell yourself it’s safer this way not realizing that you’re slowly cutting off your heart’s supply and it will only take longer to heal when you suffocate a wound who’s only remedy is love and oxygen.
And it’s scary sometimes and you just want to hide, remembering the tidal wave of pain that came from opening your heart and taking a chance.
But you understand this is all a part of this whole life thing and there will be highs and some low, but the lowest lows set you up to higher highs .
But you slowly move forward, getting back into the world and you start to trust yourself again, you start to believe again, you start to see the beauty again, you start to feel again.
You look in the mirror and you see a glimmer of hope in eyes that once only reflected darkness, your shoulders are wider and your chest has lifted and you see a side of you that you had no idea ever existed.
After coming back from the trenches of crippling heartbreak you learn a new way of being
You learn not everything is what it seems.
But you also learn to trust your body in a whole new way.
You look back at the broken, frail, undigestible version of you that felt like all hope was lost and you celebrate your comeback, your rising, your unbreakable resilience and you learn to love and accept the person it turned you into and you understand that all of this happened for you, not to you.
———————————————————————————————Having a hard time letting go? Moving on? Healing your heart?
Schedule a call to chat about my 1:1 coaching that will help you transform your experience from one of pain to one of power and purpose.