To Every Guy Who Never Loved Me
Thank you for not loving me even when the words slipped off your tongue, even when you tried to convince me I was the one.
Thank you for showing me what I was so deeply missing in myself, by never giving me what I thought I needed from you.
You validated all my insecurities and led me to feel bad about myself with subtle things you’d say to me that kept me locked in hell.
I kept looking for home in the walls of your heart, trying to escape my own since it had fallen apart.
I thought it felt like home with you, but that’s where I was so misguided you see, what once was home for me was pain and emptiness and you embodied it so perfectly.
I didn’t do the work I needed to do to be whole and happy on my own so I relied on that from you.
Thank you for helping me see by turning your back on me that you weren’t the answer to the void in my heart.
Thank you for showing up at all the wrong times and disappearing when it mattered the most, proving that I could in fact survive without you.
Thank you for caring I know that you did the best that you could do, I will never discount the things you did do over the things you did not.
But you fell short so often that I finally realized I could do a better job caring for myself than you could, I needed to learn that I didn’t need you.
Thank you for always choosing someone else over me because it reminded me that I wasn’t choosing me either. How could I blame you for doing exactly what I was teaching you to do?
Thank you for pointing out all the things that made me insecure about myself in order to bring me down and maybe perhaps to keep me around. Because you made me forget for awhile how powerful I really was and I think that was your intention even if you didn’t actually know it. As you tore me down there was nothing left of me but the foundation of love on which I rebuilt my self.
Thank you for never being fully available to me giving me the opportunity to finally choose me over you.
I didn’t know how unavailable I was until I saw myself in you.
Thank you for saying words you thought I needed to hear so I could feel how awful they felt coming from a place so insincere.
Thank you for not loving yourself so much that it spilled over onto me, how badly you mistreated yourself is how I finally was able to see, everything I blamed you for is everything I was doing to me.
Thank you for never really loving me so that I could finally learn what love felt like when I had no choice but to give it to myself.
Thank you for only ever being half in so I could finally see myself all the way out.