The Last Asshole
Healing is a journey, self discovery is a life time mission, self love is a daily practice.
Deciding and declaring a choice to change does not always equal 100% success 100% of the time. Sometimes on our journey we have roadblocks, detours, setbacks and breakdowns.
My life has been a range of all of these, as I am sure yours has too.
Leaving parts of my life behind that were no longer working for me to embark on a new adventure with new experiences and better choices was the ultimate decision, but it was not without its doubts, fears and often times intense cravings to be nestled back into my well developed comfort zone.
When we create habits from repeating the same behaviours, thoughts and feelings they don’t disappear overnight when we decide to change them.
If we know our patterns we immediately have the upper hand on making the necessary changes, if we do not realize our patterns but just know that something has got to change, we are in the process, but still have quite a bumpy ride.
My intuitive abilities have been strong my entire life; however, I often chose to ignore them in favour of learning the same lessons repeatedly the hard way. Somehow I thought that my mind was stronger than my gut and often confused my heart (love) with my mind. I mean, who hasn’t? They don’t teach this stuff in school. It wouldn’t kill them to add this into a module in like social studies, or sex ed would it?
Anyhow, long after leaving previously stated bullshit behind and feeling the most myself and the most alive I have felt in what may be forever, I went out for a night with some friends. I had no intentions and no expectations and isn’t this when they say that’s when unexpected things come to you?
Tearing up the dance floor to some good ol’ oldies, there stood before my gin drunk eyes, what appeared to be a goodhearted, good looking, gentleman, in cowboy boots to boot. We danced, we talked and then we parted ways. Only to reunite later in the night. I was impressed by him wearing a wwjd bracelet finding something attractive and almost safe about a man of faith. On his other wrist, a tribute to his best friend, a fallen solider taken in the line of duty. We bonded over this as I showed him the bracelet my soul sister made me that wrapped my wrist, one of my many tributes to her. I’m a sucker for synchronicity.
We hung out that night and talked about everything from music to writing to politics to hockey to love, family, babies and green cards.
He had me convinced that he was a song writer, even played me some songs he wrote that others recorded on like.. songcloud or something. Since writing a hit song is a dream of mine, I gravitated towards this and wanted to know more, collaborate, get inspired and obviously I was attracted to him. (Read previous statement about synchronicity).
There is something so beautiful about new naivety. About believing in the real-ness of someone you don’t yet know. I have the ability to see into the depths of people. I see their goodness, I see their soul power, I believe in their light way more than their dark and I am not afraid to venture through either side.
But, there comes a time when discernment plays a bigger role than simply just seeing someone’s soul. Because no matter what I, or you see, in all the layers on top of that is their current reality. We can love people where they’re at and we can love what we believe in them but we cannot change their current truth. Nor can we change what we wish the reality was.
Things quickly started to feel “off” with this guy and most importantly I started to realize that he was extremely similar to what I used to constantly be attracted to, I just saw it a lot sooner this time and I liked it a whole lot less. Phew.
The irony of his wwjd bracelet was that he did not exhibit any “Jesus” inspired behaviours and in fact admittedly was quite the opposite of the love and acceptance that I do believe Jesus exuded. I suppose the best part is that throughout a few of our conversations he dropped hints that he wasn’t all he made himself seem to be. He had issues telling the truth, in fact admitted he was once a major fabricator as a child (failing to mention he still was, as a grown man).
In the past my nurturing need to fix people kind of heart would have saw this as a challenge. I would have been all in. I would have wanted to be the light that lead him through the dark, I would have wanted to be the inspiration for him to change his ways and truly find peace and redemption.
But, in healing my own wounds I realized I no longer need to fix anyone else. You see I was always dating reflections of me so that I could see what needed healing in me, but it took me many hard lessons to learn that.
People are our mirrors and sometimes they are our reminders of what we no longer need reflected back at us. This guy was a prime example of what I no longer want or need in my life and attraction quickly became repulsion.
I am sure somewhere in his Jesus loving heart, he is a good man and maybe someone else’s project to fix, but not mine, not this time.
So here you go, as you step more into your truth, fully align with and live your values and own your power you are still going to, from time to time, attract some of the same old same. Assholes don’t just stop being assholes, you just stop being a doormat for them, mostly anyways. I wont call it a test when these show up for you, but I will say that at that point you have the opportunity to see how far you have come. To really strengthen your resolve and say an unapologetic NO to anything that no longer serves your highest good. They no longer become the norm, but a contrast to remind you of what you truly deserve and no longer want or need.
Are you ready to raise your glass to the last asshole and be done being a magnet for them for good?
Hit me up for a 20 min call on how you can shift your reality to say goodbye to what you no longer want and become a match for what you truly desire in your heart.