The Self Love Journey I Never Saw Coming
Self love, one of the most used hashtags of our time, but how practiced is it? What does it even mean?
Last summer , sitting in my bikini on my deck working on clients plans I resolved to be able to work this way all year.
Less clothes, more sun, less stress, more fun!
Then and there I began a plan in my heart to set out on a trip across North America. It would take me across Canada through the rockies to beautiful British Columbia and then down the west coast highway to California where I would hug ginormous redwood trees and then continue across the bottom of the U.S where I would end up in Florida, because I have a friend there, but any other details were still non existent.
I was going to coin it the “Self Love Revival Tour”. Making stops along the way to teach yoga & speak about the power of self love. The last year and a half had been a rough one for me, losing my dog, my grandma and then my soul sister and being in and out of unfulfilling, dead end relationships, my heart needed solace and soothing.
My mission was to get inspired, heal my heart and in turn help others on their self love, self healing, empowerment path.
I had no idea “how” this would all happen, I just knew that I wanted it to and I was going to do whatever it took.
As is the way of the universe, upon making my decision and starting to plan my route, opportunities started to present themselves. I was offered a place to stay in Florida, after searching and only finding places at astronomical rates this was a serious blessing. I then was gifted free hotel stays from my soul-sisters momma. Everything started to line up.
Based on my departure date and all I wanted to accomplish, my destination plans kind of turned backwards. I would head to FLA first and do the tour in the opposite direction. You can have an idea of what you want but the universe will always come up with something bigger and better, our job is to not ask how, but just be sure of what and why and be ready to go!
I arrived in Florida 1 month ago today. I had no expectations. (Except for an abundance of sunshine and sea). I just that I knew I needed myself more than ever. I needed to not find anything else outside of myself and finally retreat inwards.
For so long I had been trying to be everyone else’s saviour. I had poured my heart and soul into people who were so closed off I might as well have just jumped into a bottomless well. I was covering up old wounds by creating new ones and staying in a vicious cycle of self- harm by way of cheap love.
We know in our soul when we need something although it isn’t always clear what it is, or, it is so clear that it freaks us out or we think its impossible and we ignore it.
Either way, the feeling will not go away until we honour it, and honour it is what I chose to do
For years I knew I had leaving in me, I knew I had places to go, things to do, people to meet and hearts to heal (mostly my own).
But I kept getting stuck.
I was afraid to change, to leave, to step fully into who I knew I was. Some of this came from limiting beliefs that were imprinted on me from childhood, some of it came from loving my comfort zone so much I could not figure out how the hell to get out of it – like a warm bed on a cold day, lots of it came from fear and a large part of it came from being a highly sensitive, empath, introvert. <-That’s a mouthful. Lol
I grew up with the most amazing, loving parents but I got lost at least 3 times as a child, and the world is a scary place and so I was subject to a lot of my Mother’s fears. For the record, there is no blame here. I just know that as humans we pick up energy and if we are an empath or HSP or both then we will not only pick up that energy we will absorb it, feel it and literally become it.
I literally was afraid of everything. I had anxiety and panic attacks on a regular basis, the more I knew about the world the more I feared it. There were times when even eating food became an issue because I didn’t have control over where it came from or what was in it. My anxiety ran rampant. I was sensitive to and embodying everyone else’s feelings that I did not know how to manage at the time and it was crippling.
But something shifted in me this year, as my panic attacks came to an all time high I realized it was time to do or die.
I was so afraid of dying that I was literally killing myself with worry, stress and soul crushing monotony.
If I didn’t go out into the world and live my life, my purpose and purse my passions and take risks then I would certainly just die living at home, being half of the person I knew I was meant to be.
What is the bigger risk??
Which is actually worth dying for?
Losing my soul sister this year woke me up in a whole new way.
“Life is short” sounds so cliche and the truth is, it can seem really friggen long if we are suffering.
But when that final day comes and all is said and done and the dreams in your heart die right there where you are because you were unable, or unwilling to pursue them, shit gets real.
As I got to Florida I instantly felt at home. No doubt anywhere near the ocean is a sense of home for me, but the people, the house, the atmosphere the options.. it all just felt right.
Instead of sitting down and blogging about my journey and how brave I really felt I just allowed my self to enjoy my time.
When I felt called to write, my road trip didn’t come up for me. Instead my heart healing journey did and with it came my previous 6 part blog series.
This was yet again something I did not expect but needed so deeply.
I knew I was settting out on a self love journey but I had no idea all of the aspects of this journey that would lead me to finally fully loving and accepting all of myself.
Here is the biggest lesson in this part of my story.
We get one life here.
We have a divine purpose.
Ego, society, fear, pain, heartbreak, logic, practicality, money, beliefs and stories can all hold us back from believing in ourselves and our abilities.
From here on out I know in the depths of my soul that anything is possible.
I have learned how to manage, clear and protect my energy so that when I am out in the world, meeting people and enjoying life, I don’t get taken out by others fears, insecurities and negativity. (this is huge for HSP’s and Empaths).
Self love, yes it is about taking action on the things that call your soul but it is also about honouring your self, your truth, your purpose and your passion.
If there is one thing I have learned thus far it is the best things don’t come from comfort zones, fear is just an illusion and it is never ever too late to live a life you’re madly in love with. <3